My turn

granpa1959

Never say never!
Trusted Member
The last appointments went well. We briefly reviewed the grounds for tracing the timeline from most recent to earliest. this is to include childhood, youth onward.

Its apparent many incidents are related by how i have stored them mentally. There is also a number of incidents that I will need to clearly create a safe place to store them so to speak. I do look forward to the freedom and opportunity for growth this offers.

The OT actually helped me lower my expectations of what plan to do in one day. I've stalled around some personal care items and lost the sense of "git er done" and slipped into "Fuck It" mode around some things. Meal preps, chores, staying connected to friends locally.

We broke it down into smaller pieces. IE: instead of washing all the floors on the ground floor. I just washed the floor in the kitchen. Still a victory!!

Back at it tomorrow. I find the anxiety really gets worse as I try to focus on this stuff. I am wrecked for 4 days Tuesday through Friday.

Simple not easy comes to mind.
 

granpa1959

Never say never!
Trusted Member
The latest session we dug right in to the most powerful memories. I became incredibly animated and I felt my heart beating wildly as I described the incident. She had me watch her finger and she repeated a meaning less phrase and had me spell the words as she moved her finger side to side as I kept my head still and rapidly moved my eyes side to side following her finger, I kept the memory present as I followed the actions.

The memory slipped from my conscious present to store in long term memory. We discussed in depth exactly what I was feeling. We bored deep into the feelings. The end result was feelings of loss, loss of self confidence over the amount of effort I had put towards setting things right with no help. Loss of self esteem over the bullying and lack of support from the employer.

We followed up with grounding and breathing exercises and some guided meditation.

A deep sense of failure over the ending of things in this current state and having no way to reconcile things. That I have developed of fear of failure as a result of the chaos it caused in my life. My personal career goals and my retirement plans were destroyed and feel like I just have not the strength to rebuild.

Despite the fact that evidence to support this self belief is non existent. I did a fucking great job and I know the future is bright and hopeful conatively.

I am doing the work to be free of this morass of despair and be free of medication.

Fuck those bastards. I still feel like shit.
 

Bagua

Moderator
The latest session we dug right in to the most powerful memories. I became incredibly animated and I felt my heart beating wildly as I described the incident. She had me watch her finger and she repeated a meaning less phrase and had me spell the words as she moved her finger side to side as I kept my head still and rapidly moved my eyes side to side following her finger, I kept the memory present as I followed the actions.

The memory slipped from my conscious present to store in long term memory. We discussed in depth exactly what I was feeling. We bored deep into the feelings. The end result was feelings of loss, loss of self confidence over the amount of effort I had put towards setting things right with no help. Loss of self esteem over the bullying and lack of support from the employer.

We followed up with grounding and breathing exercises and some guided meditation.

A deep sense of failure over the ending of things in this current state and having no way to reconcile things. That I have developed of fear of failure as a result of the chaos it caused in my life. My personal career goals and my retirement plans were destroyed and feel like I just have not the strength to rebuild.

Despite the fact that evidence to support this self belief is non existent. I did a fucking great job and I know the future is bright and hopeful conatively.

I am doing the work to be free of this morass of despair and be free of medication.

Fuck those bastards. I still feel like shit.
I was waiting to read that. Good for you.
 

granpa1959

Never say never!
Trusted Member
Yesterday was a really interesting chapter in the journey. After last weeks session I spent a very great deal of time reflecting and searching the memory banks for similarities to this employer-employee relationship.

It was so incredibly parallel to the abusive relationship of my childhood it was scary to actually swallow the bitter pill of reality.

The bullying, the feelings of abandonment, being given just enough positive feedback to keep you present. Just to name a few of the tactics.

In my own mind I had ultimately stayed due to my moral code and standard of ethics. This kept me on the job to protect the more vulnerable staff and patients from the nature of the health authority.

John Wayne to the rescue!!

Nearly at the cost of my health.

Now to let go of the fight without feeling like I lost the war. This is my most difficult challenge.

I have never backed down from a fight in my life. No matter the cost I stood my ground.

Reminds me of the Black Knight in Monty Pythons Quest for the Holy Grail!

Thou shall not pass!

Armless and legless.....

Merely a flesh wound!!

Cognitively, due to years of good honest self work and as a result of education I can see this for what it is.

Now to convince my gut I am not the loser here!! Or plot their violent demise?

To be continued......
 

granpa1959

Never say never!
Trusted Member
Well I am making progress. It appears in my efforts to stay on the job I reverted to a ``survival mode` to handle the intensity of the work. With no support from management, and ongoing staff shortages I became overloaded.
In order to do this I called upon more primal instincts and became a far less compassionate version of myself. After 12 years of the repeated exposure to violence and death. My ongoing inner turmoil over not being my true self, led to my current state of feeling like my soul has been torn open.

Now my goal is to pursue reunification of my broken bits and start to build a new life. My self confidence has suffered badly and my sense of determination remains at an all time low.

The great part about finding the bottom is there is only one direction left to go.
 

granpa1959

Never say never!
Trusted Member
I just returned from therapy. I am taking a few minutes to thank the people dropping by this journey to check on its status.

I'm doing my best to give you the raw truth as I am seeing it.

Cheers!
 

granpa1959

Never say never!
Trusted Member
This week I sat down and had a discussion with all 4 of the entities I am carrying around in my personality. I had show my appreciation for their input ad ability to keep me safe during the last 12 years on the frontline. However, iit is time i got back in the drivers seat. I thanked them and gave them all the break they need.

Sounds strange I am sure but they were clearly visible in my minds eye,

Fuck am I tired this week!! I have put it all out there. The universe is going to have sort this shit out.

Additionally, I had my benefits and pension reinstated after a lengthy stressful battle. Now the employer has launched a Request for review stating they have evidence I am making a false claim on WCB.

At this point the union has stepped in.
 

granpa1959

Never say never!
Trusted Member
today Thursday July 16 I have completed 7 of 12 weeks. We all agreed (Dr. OT) I need a break. We are taking next week off. Thank god I'm exhausted and have missed about 4 training days!!

I can't overstate the power of the breakthrough I had this week and its impact.

We revisited a 4 year period while I managed an ICM team in the DTES. The DOO I reported to was a terrible bully and we were at war daily over the level care we were providing and the allowances I made for my medical and Outreach teams.

This week we focused on this relationship.

short answer... I was destroyed by the energy it took to stick to my moral and ethical code. In my minds eye I placed the DOO in chains in a cell of the basement of the Old Don Jail.

We did the eye movement spelling exercises while I focused on the feeling of threat and the anxiety it was causing me then and now. I nearly hurled when I felt it. Holy crap was I angry!!

It literally fell away and the image I had conjured up replaced the resentment and fear. She took me through a course of step down stages and we discussed the relationship again. I felt zero emotion towards it.

This took place on Tuesday. I went home and slept immediately. Felt exhausted beyond description when I woke up. Slept 11 hours that night. I had 2 naps yesterday and slept another 10 hours last night.

Back at therapy today the therapist and I both cried we were so happy about the change. When I go back we focus on the future goals I have.

Thank god I took a chance and just let it all out.

I feel 20 years younger today. (its not the GH)
 
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